First we need to answer a couple of questions before we get down to the nitty-gritty of this discussion:
Bad Sex-aDivaDeeReview: having a sexual encounter with only yourself while another person is there. Basically, being selfish and only focusing on what you will gain from the experience without allowing your mate to participate. There’s nothing worse than having a barbaric sexual experience and feeling like you’ve just gotten raped by someone you care for.
A Great Relationship-aDivaDeeReview: being with someone who can finish your sentences. Someone that gets you and loves every inch of you flaws and all! Knowing that every time they leave, you don’t have to worry about them not being faithful and respecting you even out of your sight. Having unconditional love and not regretting being open and vulnerable with that person.
Well now that those are taken care of, let’s get down to the heart of the discussion.
First I must admit, DivaDee couldn’t handle this subject on her own. I had to get a little help to balance the conversation. Therefore, I threw out two questions in the social network forums as well as ask some close friends and received some great feedback.
How would you handle bad sex in a relationship? Twitter Feedback: Mo_Reasy: bad sex can be fixed if both parties agree to it. It’s tools out there to help you adjust. Calliopebb: It sucks! I’d break up w/ a man over some bad sex! Won’t “enter” a relationship if the sex ain’t on point.OJPhilly: You can get sex in numerous places, but you can’t get a good overall relationship in numerous places. ElenentsofCool: I can honestly say that I’ve made some exceptions. Facebook Feedback: Connie Payton: Back in the day if the relationship was worth saving, I’d go into the instructors mode! If the tools are there, it’s amazing what a lil patience and instructions would do! Didn’t take long before I’d created a monster! (grinning now with that far away look in my eyes) those were the days. Live Interviews:
DivaDee’sMista: I would try to fix it but if it wasn’t working then I would have to let it go!
DaPhotography: I’d try to fix it. To me, sex is communication if you’re not getting what I’m saying then you’re not listening! What constitutes bad sex? Twitter Feedback (edits done to keep it pg-13): Calliopebb: thin genitalia, short genitalia, a man who’s too nice in bed, lack of chemistry. Mo_Rease: not being able to get into that sexual rhythm with the opposite sex. It’s like one big car crash. ElementsOfCool: selfishness is one thing… OJPhilly: Military instructions!!! Live Interviews: DivaDee’sMista: Laying there like a dead fish! DaPhotography: Treating the experience like I’m just one of your other ones. Make it a tailor-made sexual experience!
Whew, those comments alone made my head spin! Great view-points from some great people!
But, I can’t leave without giving my view-point on this overall discussion. Hang with me for a few more lines, please….
If you’re in a relationship with a person and the sex is horrible, PLEASE make every effort to communicate openly with that person. Especially, if it is the best relationship you’ve ever experienced. There’s nothing worse than losing a good person over something that can be truly fixed. However, if you feel you’ve done all you can to try to make the sex better, PLEASE move on before everyone’s feelings are too far gone. Having great sex is very important and can dayum near cure world hunger if it is done right! But, being caught up emotionally with someone who is not equally yoked with you sexually is a relationship train wreck. Nothing good ever comes out of not looking forward to GREAT make-up sex!
Drop me a line or two and let me know your thoughts! OR
Take the poll!
Very interesting. Is there really a such thing as bad sex or bad communication. I think before 2 adults engage in the act of having sex, I would like to think that there was some type of communication that took place before the act. I think the adults should share their likes and dislikes along with their EXPECTATIONS! At this point if there is something that one can’t or won’t do then it’s right there and the other should decide whether or not they are with them or not. If you are not willing to do something with your partner you should let them know upfront so there are no expectations. I think some folks would rather lie on what they can or will do than just being honest. Now if there is a teaching moment that can take place because one of the adults have never done something then if you love or care for this person take the time to show this individual what you like.
Forgot to address this
A good relationship involves good communication, being unselfish and unconditional love regardless of the faults of our partners. Too many of us want what we are not willing to give…..
Sex, in itself, is a relationship. A conversation between two people. It cannot thrive or even sustain without engaging participation from both parties. Unless one partner has exhausted every avenue attempting to bridge the sexual diconnect through conversation while the other partner ignored it then both parties are responsible.
To be honest… I cannot fathom a relationhip being that great if they sex was horrible. Sex is just as important, if not more importatnt, than actual verbal communication. It’s the purest form of active listening and beside prayer (in the right setting… w/the right person) it’s one of the ways to get closer to God.
When you really care about someone it make the sex all the more powerful, touching, beautiful, etc… IMHO Bad sex, for a woman, is like saying, “I am going to stay in this relationship forever without having an orgasm–ever.” I do not know about you but i can’t handle that kind of stress. Eventually the unsated partner will cheat; ergo, the disconnect will become even larger.
You can have a mediocre sex and a great relationship but I DO NOT believe you have have a great relationship w/part of ur foundation missing. smh.
Is there really a such thing as bad sex? I mean…what is bad sex? Is it just him or her getting theirs? Maybe we need a definition. I don’t know anybody who’s in a meaningful relationship that has “bad” sex
Sir, I provided my perspective of what is bad sex along with some additional feedback from others in the original posting. Trust me there is bad sex out there. Obviously, you’ve never experienced it. Thank your lucky stars you haven’t!
diva: I think what 12Kyle was trying to say is…Everyone has their own definition of bad sex…Like in my situation, bad sex is a lack of sex. When intercourse does finally happen, it’s great. But waiting so long between episodes never quite gives me a change to be up to par. I’m either too early or she’s not into it. So stressful…so much pain to swallow.
Yeah but lack of sex is totally different…I understand your point though! Thanks for stopping by!
I believe that sex is an extension of your mental and emotional connection with your partner. I didn’t used to think that at all. I used think that there was no such thing as bad sex, only good sex and better sex. My grown and sexy mind has shown me otherwise *grinning*. Without that chemistry that an emotional connection generates between two people, sex at best can be…nice. Sex (and I use this term only to remain consistent, I prefer making love to) with that special someone that you share a deep emotional connection with can be blissful and earth shattering, euphoric and heavenly, ravishing and, well I think you get the point. There is just no comparison. So with that being said, my opinion on the topic is this: If you have a Great relationship, which in my opinion cannot be had without that emotional connection/chemistry, you will have great sex. Even if it requires a little tuning and tweaking, the joy of sharing the learning experience with that special someone will make it just that much greater
Word of advice, If you are thinking about leaving you partner because the sex isn’t good… hurry up and go!
Great comment! You are so right that connection is truly a requirement to enjoy it!!
I thought so until I found out she was cheating on me I knew it was bad cause it felt like wrong she said everything was fine.I guess it was across town my take:-).
I saw this and had to comment, I was once in a great relationship with a man who wanted to marry me and I wanted to marry him. Even though the sex was bad I still loved him. What made the sex bad was he was a selfish lover he was only in it for himself. I talked to him about this over and over and over but he acted like he didn’t hear me nor did he care, did I mention no foreplay did I mention he thought he was great despite my telling him what I wanted. To this day I have promised myself I will not be in a relationship with a man and the sex was bad. You do feel resentment afterwards like you got raped. wth If this means I never get married oh well.
In your case, I agree. You talked about it. You expressed how you felt. It was more than just the sex. Look at the bigger picture. He was even paying attention or considering your feelings. I would have left that relationship as well.
I find it very shallow to break up with someone over sex. Sex should never be the main focus in a relationship in the first place. Everything is about communication. Everyone is different in bed. What you may like, he may not and vice versa. I think you should talk about what you both expect when it comes to sex. If you both have an open mind and are willing to work through it, then I feel the relationship can be salvaged.
if sex is bad with your current partner, what makes you think having another partner will make it better? Communication is definitely key, as everyone here has agreed and communication goes with everyone. Leaving your partner because of bad sex is not a good reason. If you do so, what is going to stop you from leaving your next coming partners? I guess my advice, and what i need to do as well is, open up emotionally, take initiative and tell your partner directly what you want and need.